If you have more than three kids I’m sure you have been on the receiving end of all the tired one-liners that we hear all the time, ”Don’t you know what causes that?” ”You guys should get a tv!” And so on. I sort of wish I was one of those snappy people who cold respond with a zinger. One of my favorites, from Simcha Fisher, “If you think tv is better than sex, you’re doing it wrong,” because that is by far the comment we get the most often. But I’m really only that snappy in my little fantasy world. When someone actually has the gall to make a rude comment about my family size I’m usually just left standing dumb and speechless while trying to keep smiling so as to communicate that, for the most part, I’m pretty happy with my life.
But it occurred to me recently what these people are actually saying. They’re saying, “Stop having sex.” In the back of my mind I’d always kind of heard them say, “You know, there’s a Pill that will stop you from getting pregnant so much.” But that’s not actually what any of them say. And, of the many times I’ve been a part of a conversation with moms of many comparing notes on this particular type of social interaction, that’s not one that comes up very often.
So, really, the depraved culture that has produced all these people who feel compelled to make rude comments on the size of my family also has these people, in a backhanded sort of way, suggesting we use NFP more.
Or am I missing something?
Maybe. I actually think what they are saying is, “I used contraception, and that was the right thing to do and I don’t feel guilty” because they see our choice as an indictment of their own (and there is some nagging feeling that maybe they were wrong, which they must fight). The presence of our children is a subconscious reminder to them of the children they chose not to have. I have the four boys, and when the fourth was a newborn, I had THREE different women say, “Oh, is that a boy, too? That’s why I stopped at three boys.” THREE!!! The first time I heard it, I thought she was just a nut, but we were quite flabbergasted to hear it again and again. At least with, “you should get a t.v.” it is just people making fun of you: it’s rude and annoying, but whatever. But when they insinuated that this particular baby was any less loved or wanted because, of course, the only reason I might want to have a fourth was to “get my girl” as if a child was a commodity, it was truly appalling.
Oh, yes, I know what you mean. And it just makes you feel sick when your older kids are old enough to hear that kind of thing. We got that sort of appalling comment the most with our first because of his disability. I cannot tell you the number of times when people would ask (after meeting my adorable, cheerful little baby), “Didn’t you know?” As if, surely, I would have terminated if I’d known I was going to have a paralyzed child. Sickening.
And, all this said, I have to say that the vast majority of the comments I get are in the “joy and wonder” category. Most people where we live now seem genuinely delightedly (if a bit confused) by our larger-than-average family. Sometimes the “superwoman” comments get to me more than the rude ones but when I’m trying to herd four kids and a month’s worth of groceries through Costco I’ll take all the encouragement I can get.
My four boy life is similar to Lindsay’s. I can’t stand it when people look at #4 and say, “oh, you really wanted to try and have a girl.” Or “I hope you’re giving up on having that girl now.” And then there are the boy horror stories about how terrible their boys were and how sweet their girls were or how they would have traded that one boy they had for two more if they could have been girls. I mean really? You’re actually saying this in front of my children?
Grrr.
Oh, but my favorite so far is a very salty old Bostonian woman scoffing and saying, “I hope your husband has a good job.”
Oh wait, no, my favorite might actually be when I was waiting at the SS office for and hour to get #4′s SS Card. I was trapped by this guy who talked endlessly about my family size and then finally said, “well, I’m glad social security is helping you guys out.”
Oh, my Ginger, I just laughed out loud at that last one. Classic! We actually only just proved that #4 existed because the SS office wanted an insurance card to provide a number and the insurance company wanted a SS# to provide a card. My husband was kind enough to spend a few lunch hours there, so I missed the opportunity for that one.